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The Dark Art of Caffeine

I don’t know if caffeine has an effect on me, but it sure the hell makes for a good breakfast. I’ve been on the drug for as long as I’ve had human memory, and while it started with polishing off a 12-pack of Coca-Cola every three days, it’s moved into the more laborious — but rewarding — territory of tea and coffee. Some people enjoy sharing their coffee setups, but it usually involves one method. Thus: I think my coffee setup is superior in every way.

Wands & Magick

I use two vessels for summoning my caffeine. At the same time, mind you.

  1. The Bialetti - a dual-chamber son of a bitch wrought from stainless steel that forcibly presses piping hot water from a base chamber right into the coarse ground specimen atop it and immediately fills a liquid reservoir.
  2. The Chemex - an aristocratic beaker made of thick glass that services my bidding with elegant science via its simple but effective filtration process.

Now, hold up — using both vessels for coffee would be folly. Each one specializes in different caffeine magicks — the Bialetti operates like a deranged black Mage, specializing in the curation of dark, venomous espresso without regard to safety. And the Chemex — candid but earnest — drips rich, aromatic coffee like a lithe sorceress. Combine the results and you get a brawny shot of espresso alongside a rich dose of coffee. For breakfast, ideally every day of the week.

The Apothecary

The process of brewing requires a few key tools and ingredients. The transmutation recipes and properties:

  • The Bialetti: For use in conjunction with coarsely ground espresso beans.
  • The Chemex: For use in conjunction with finely ground coffee beans
  • Helvetica Whistling Kettle: 100% damage to cold water when paired with stovetop
  • Chemex non-chemical filters: Complete physical protection against coffee bean contamination; ensures clean magickal output of caffeine weapon
  • Blade grinder: +80% damage against whole beans (Not yet willing to invest gold assets on a burr grinder)
  • Espresso beans: Additive +7 caffeine power when mixed with Bialetti + boiled water
  • Coffee beans: Additive +10 caffeine power when mixed with Chemex

Caffeine Magick


Caffeine dosages

According to Mayoclinic:

Type Vol. (mL) Caffeine (mg)
Espresso 60 (2 oz) 116-150
Coffee brew 240 (8 oz) 95-200

Ben the Bodyguard

The Brother Makes a Short One